What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The
nice guys that finish last, that never
become more than friends, that endure
hours of whining and bitching about what
assholes guys are, while disproving the
very point. This is dedicated to those
guys who always provide a shoulder to
lean on but restrain themselves to
tentative hugs, those guys who hold open
doors and give reassuring pats on the
back and sit patiently outside the
changing room at department stores. This
is in honor of the guys that obligingly
reiterate how
cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their
female friends are at the appropriate
moment, because they know most girls
need that litany of support. This is in
honor of the guys with open minds, with
laid-back attitudes, with honest concern.
This is in honor of the guys who respect a
girls every facet, from her privacy to her
theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk,
bewildered female friends back from
parties and never take advantage once
theyre at her door, for the guys who
accompany girls to bars as buffers against
the rest of the creepy male population,
for the guys who know a girl is fishing for
compliments but give them out anyway,
for the guys who always play by the rules
in a game where the rules favor cheaters,
for the guys who are accredited as
boyfriend material but somehow dont
end up being boyfriends, for all the nice
guys who are overlooked,
underestimated, and unappreciated, for
all the nice guys who are manipulated,
misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is
for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent
messages on your cell phone, and when
you called her back, she spent three
hours painstakingly dissecting two
sentences her boyfriend said to her over
dinner. And even though you thought her
boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you
assured her that it was all ok and she
shouldnt worry about it. This is for that
time she interrupted the best killing spree
youd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant
about a rumor that romantically linked
her and the guy she thinks is the most
repulsive person in the world. And even
though you thought it was immature and
you had nothing against the guy, you
paused the game for two hours and
helped her concoct a counter-rumor to
spread around the floor. This is also for
that time she didnt have a date, so after
numerous vows that there was
nothing serious between the two of you,
she dragged you to a party where you
knew nobody, the beer was awful, and
she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying
each fit of reckless teasing by announcing
to everyone: oh, but were just friends!
And even though you were invited purely
as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you
went anyways. Because youre nice like
that.

The nice guys dont often get credit
where credit is due. And perhaps more
disturbing, the nice guys dont seem to
get laid as often as they should. And I
wish I could logically explain this trend,
but I cant. From what I have observed on
campus and what I have learned from
talking to friends at other schools and in
the workplace, the only conclusion I can
form is that many girls are just illogical,
manipulative bitches. Many of them
claim they just want to date a nice guy,
but when presented with such a
specimen, they say irrational, confusing
things such as oh, hes too nice to date
or he would be a good boyfriend but hes
not for me or he already puts up with so
much from me, I couldnt possibly ask him
out! or the most frustrating of all: no, it
would ruin our friendship. Yet, they
continue to lament the lack of datable
men in the world, and they expect their
too-nice-to-date male friends to
sympathize and apologize for the men
that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that
are beyond my ability to fathom. I cant
figure out why the connection breaks
down between what they say (I want a
nice guy!) and what they do (Im going to
sleep with this complete ass now!). But
one thing I can do, is say that the nice-
guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesnt last
forever. There are definitely many girls
who grow out of that train of thought and
realize they should be dating the nice
guys, not taking them for granted. The
tricky part is finding those girls, and even
trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose
a toast to all the nice guys. You know
who you are, and I know youre sick of
hearing yourself described as
ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the
matter is, the world needs your patience
in the department store, your holding
open of doors, your party escorting
services, your propensity to be a sucker for
a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane,
absurd things you tolerate, for all the
situations where you are the faceless,
nameless hero, my accolades, my
acknowledgment, and my gratitude go
out to you. You do have credibility in this
society, and your well deserved
vindication is coming.